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April 23rd, 2006
11:04 pm
how many days until i never have to step foot in this place again.
what if i just up and fucking left. what would happen. nothing. and i would be fucking fine with it.
i take very little joy in pretty much everything here. and thats bad.
fuck you. i hate you. i miss you.
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April 22nd, 2006
07:43 pm
this rollercoaster is running so fast. up and down up and down and up again. flying through the sky. a track is there but you never know which way youll be thrown until it happens. and then the next minute yourmoving in the opposite direction. not sure of where you are. not sure of where your going. barelysure of where youve been.
sometimes i think jason robert brown can magically capture true feelings. especially when hes writing about himself.
"i swear to god ill never understand how you can stand there straight and tall and see im crying and not do anything at all."
i want you to be hugh heffner, not jamie.
you can be brilliant. be fucking brilliant and do not fall back into bad habits. know whats good for you and whats not. find the people that love you and will treat you like gold. find the people that love you for you. find the people that understand you almost better than you can yourself. you can be invinceable. you can be fierce. but do not get yourself hurt.
"covered in scars i did nothing to earn" see, brilliant. works, always works.
dont go searching for more baby. you "can do better than that."
jason, i love you right now.
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April 21st, 2006
10:52 pm
the best way to spend friday night rehearsal time...in the bathtub eating pastel mints and reading david sedaris.
the worst way to have it ruined. 18 year old freshman coming into your house.
the wolrd exists for my pleasure and anyone who feels the need to rage against my machine will be demolished in the near future.
thank you and goodnight.
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April 19th, 2006
10:01 am
do you know what it feels like to know youll never be good enough? for anything? this isnt life, this is college, and throwing myself head first into something that could produce absolutely nothing is a very bad idea. i submerge myself in things so i can block out other things. im not tall and ill never be thin. ill love you everyday until i die if you let me. just be honest with me. tell me you do have feelins. and its just not for me. look baby, ive walked through the valley of the shadow of death and im still here. you cant kill me. just scream t me and be honest. i need it. i dont even know if youll read this. but know sometimes its never a good day for me to get upset, like when i compleletly change my image in it entirety. im scared. and im scared that ill have to hide my head for the next 6 months. and im scared that you will think you dont want me in your life. bc i know i want you in mine. and i need to grow up about something, and thats the heart. andrew said this to me i just didnt realize it. i need to be smarter and not think everyone is trying to hurt me, they arent. your not, and i need to not take such offense. i do care about you and i do love you. please dont give up on a friendship.
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12:48 am
right now i hate everything about myself. and im so sorry but i cant handle this. im not good enough. or im too good. i dont know. and all i want is to be
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April 18th, 2006
12:18 am
and one more thing. i can be who i should be because deep down inside, thats all i really am anyway.
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12:05 am
to write to write. but what to write. what not to write. how can i find the perfect words to put down what im thinking, what im doing, fuck, how im feeling? the words dont come together. all the thoughts are there. all the heart is there. the words are unknown to me. the words to describe today are unknown to me. maybe they dont exist. the word satisfaction doesnt do it. the word lazy cant capture what i did today (bc i worked, but not enough). the word angst doesnt quite cover it. and then the words pure happiness doesn't make the cut. but i guess you can maybe catch my drift.
the sketch was ok, i didnt hit on everything but i suppose i was pretty satisfied. i didn't finish all the work i needed to, i finished some but not enough, so i still felt sort of lazy. we blocked my first spoken scene today in rehearsal and it makes me really sort of nervous so there was quite a bit of angst flowing over my body. you calmed me down when i thought my heart might beat out of my chest. for your kindness and understanding and patience with me i came pretty close to the feeling of pure happiness.
i dont know whats going on and i dont really care to. school will get done. rehearsal will relax. and we just are what we are. and life will iron out as life always does.
life goes on but this day will not, goodnight.
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April 15th, 2006
08:31 pm
so the world is different. and i like it.
i got home, and i fell asleep in my room. i woke up with a start because for the first time in a week i was alone, and i hated it. i dont want to go to sleep in the room tonight, im scared.
i am the luckiest person i nthe world to have friends like this. what more could i ask for.
maybe a way to write down what im feeling...
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April 13th, 2006
10:46 am
So i should write. i shold write what i feel. how the fuck can i write what i feel when i dont even think what i feel.
i dont know what i want and i dont know what makes me happy and its tearing me apart trying to figure it out. and i dont mean in one area. i mean in every possible way in my life isnt that a fun one? i know where my fauts lie. i hate being alone. im always ancy no matter what and i dont find interest in doing anything other than picking up a script and being someone else. even singing i find too much of myself in to love it right now. i want to look in the mirror and see a diffrent face. i want to have a different heart and in some ways i want a different mind. why not just scrap it all and start over again and see where it all gets me? probably back to the same place i am now. i havent signed my contract for monomoy. for all the wrong reasons probably but i havent done it. i dont know what i was thinking saying i wanted to be asst chef. i dont know what i was thinking deciding i wanted to take 2 classes online this summer. i dont know what the fuck i was thinking even sitting down at this computer right now. i dont know whwta im thinking and i dont know what the fuck i want right now at all.
i cant write, ok? i cant verbalize things honestly. im convoluded and that makes me happy bc i know that all the wrong people will read the onvoluded statements and have no clue what the fuck im talking about. and yet, i hate it bc i never feel like im actually saying what i want to. shit sometimes i go back and read and i dont even get it. thats not a good sign. or its a wonderful sign of how brilliantly i can hide things. but then thats a whole other mess. hide my thoughts, hide my feeligns, hide my emotions. i keep hoping if i hide things long enough theyll die. but that has yet to be proven to me.
i get my stupid ass into some very serious and fucked up situations. so goddamn unfair, but i do it to myself. like for instance, thinking things can go well and turn out how you want them to. thinking the world can make me happy. thinking someone else can make me happy. i guess in th end i have to make my own happiness. but how the hell do i go about doing that? leave? fly away and changemyname. start all the fuck over where i ... ok this is a stupid train of thought that doesnt even deserve further explanation or rambling.
last night was amazing. i got to open up and be me for the first time in a long time. it was like being with courtney and chelsea only then i got to have sex. but its till meant the same thing. i cant go back to being that person, i will be destroyed. or will it enlighten me to open up my mind and myself to the things that do make me happy. or will it simply give someone the liberty to tear me to shreds. frankl,y seeing as how i am so good at giving myself over to other people and their merciless ways i dont see how this an be much different. at the very least atleas ill have some fun along the way. i suppose i just have to watch where and when and to whom. but thats the liberating part. i make the rules. i play my game. danger will robinson.
and i give away my life in my kiss, i know. i cant hide anything with that.
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April 7th, 2006
12:00 am
i just wrote a whole bunch of bullshit. its gone forever. but i need to gush just a bit, hoping desperatly that you wont read this and thinking that maybe you only do when i make you aware of it. so anyway...
i think your wonderful. im scared of it. im scared of being totally honest bc that has a tendency to get me squashed. but anyway, wonderful. and you make me smile and you make me laugh and you make me feel good in so many ways and i am so grateful to you for it. im serious though, where did you come from? you are a rare one. you are someone i sort of see a lot of myself in. you hide things and leak them out little by little. i think both of us have a huge secret we havnt gotten to the point of being able to discuss yet. i say yet with trepidation, bc if i look forward i will inevitably trip over whats happing right now. thats the problem. today is wonderful. the last 3 weeks have been magnificent. and if tomorrow it all falls apart i can pick myself up and dust off the thoughts of the last three weeks dusting off thoughts of future days, weeks, months, years whatever, take a lot longer. time i dont have to spend. but today. and maybe i can look until saturday, ill give myself that much at least. with bated breath do i sit here typing this. saturday feels so far away. you feel close. you feel so very close. intense steph, very intense. too much. sorry. the chicken soup, just the thought did me in child, just the thought. cous cous, thrilled. and the names. i sink like the titanic, its pathetic.
so on another note. im sick. its allergies but my sinuses feel like 10 pound weights threatening to break through the rook of my mouth at any given moment.
and then theres that...dear friend please return shortly as your presence is required now and always. because of this i am being forced to take drastic measures to correct this wrong. measures that will inevitably make me someone i dont want to be, bt i have to, its neccesary.
well, goodnight.
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April 1st, 2006
11:46 pm
jordans home...its wonderful...and official it will be the 2 of us here next year...yay.
sucha good few days. no matter want went down and what shit was thrown last night i loved that you were here and i cant wait to see you next weekend...just wonderful...
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March 31st, 2006
12:32 am
so many entries lately. so many vegetables latey. good. a lot of wasted last night.
i havent a clue where im going but i sure as shit know where ive been.
im trying so hard to not let the been hurt the going. no nerves. no reservations. no making assumptions about something i dont know.
slapping up useless headshots all over the wall, lol.....i have no hair, why pretend.
im hungry like the wolf.
and bored.
and tired. shoould i go ooooout? i dont even know.
tanqueray your my best friend.
ohhh i have something in my kitchen that i have never had before. and maybe ill drink a bit tomorrow. who knows.
no offense, fruity pebbles make me want to die. they make me feel like a candle just came in my mouth...and its not pleasant. sorry.
ohhhhhh who knows where im going, who knows what im after ...i wish i knew the rest of the lyrics and im too lazy to go find the script. maybe ill stay home and learn some of lenins shoe? all those fucks and blowjobs are gonna be tough to memorize...i will undoubtedly want to add fucks where they dont belong. fiesty little bitch irina lenkin...love it craazy
just thinking about telling andrew i think maybe have jinxed it...
ohh no, same weekend. be here the same weekend...oh this might get messy...really fucking messy.
well you know what, thats just it, fuck it all. time passes. fuck fuck fuck...ok i really dont care. itll be golden...stay golden ponyboy.
lose it, lose it on the way down.
be what the sounds in your head make you.
let it all go, let it all fly away.
be the simplest of you.
make insanity your way of life.
smile whenever you can.
fall every chance you get and take it all in above you.
take every bit you see inside.
take it in and think later.
or never think at all.
feel everything you see, think, know.
crazy bitch.
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March 30th, 2006
05:25 am
a long day. a day of good and bad. sick and happy. sober and wasted.
i dont know wherei sand right now. good? happy? waning buzz.
in so many ways i heard everything i needed to tonight...including stuff i never asked for but not gonna lie, am kind thrilled about. it feels good to know when your good...lets not lie.
perfect song...i wont dance, dont ask me...i dont want to go ok? i dont want to go withmyself or anyone else. i dont want to go. im sure itll be great fun but its everything i hated. i dont care about a date or a dress. i couldnt even give a shit about my hair or the right shoes...ok i get nonoe of that matters but its all about what the word implies. im sorry. ill pay the extra ten for my hotel room, wait, i dont need one...there you go...
my eyes are dry. which makes me want to know the last fucking time icried. i couldnt tell you with a week of thought...ive squeeled, laughed, almost passed out, but not cried. whatever. am i dea inside? waaaaaiiiiiiit, no im not...blargh arrrr.
i want to watch old skool.
i want to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.
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March 29th, 2006
04:15 am
this is my doom. my humiliation.
i retreat. i get terrified. and now im terrified. not of you. not at all. of me. im so scared to dissapoint and i dont know what to do to staop it. like my hair. i love it but i dont ever want one person to see it. which essentially means we'll never see eachother again, which im actually quite fine with, bc well, hes bad man. oh, unless i work for mtc, in which case, HELLO!!! but still, a bad man.
but the matter at hand. im terrified. scared i wont be right, scared i wont be good. frankly, mortified that i wont be exactly what the picture in the head of the person i want is.
s im crazy. all seems well i guess, i hop,e i think, but i know my thighs will fuck it up. thats what it is, my thighs. i hate them and they hate me right back.
so imagine that i was perfect. 5 foot 7 with long legs and a beautifully streamlined torso. then who the fuck would i be? not me. im flawed. im horribly flawed. im short waisted and broad shouldered. i speak and laugh too loudly and my hair stick up funny sometimes. forget about when i sleep on it. sometimes i talk in my sleep. sometimes i moan in my sleep. ofcoarse i havent a clue if this is true it could be a horrible lie ive been told but its not, lets face it, its not. i cant hold out a high e, and i never sing in my head voice. i have scars. i have scars from stupid things like riding my bike too fast when i was 9, from running and falling on my face when i was 3, from walking around my house like a clumsy ass when i was 15, and from having two front teeth violently thrust into my forehead and splitting it wide the fuck open. oh jesus, from piercing thinsg i shuoldnt have, from running wayyy to fast from the police and falling on my hand so hard i got road rash. im partially deaf from a stupid infection when i was a baby, my liver hates me bc when i was 15 i kissed one wrong boy and paid for it with months in bed. ive broken bones, split lips, busted noses, sliced hands, cracked knuckes too hard, twsited ankles, blown out knees...jesus im a mess.
and the scars you cant see no matter how hard you look bc they hide behind some of the thickest skin youll ever see.
resiliant. whatever.
scared. like a little girl.
so im crazy and im flawed but im me. when i go to bed i dont see or feel the scars. i dont mind my thighs, my height, my hair, my extra 7 pounds. i like it. im me, and i dont mind it. i like it, i do. maybe its just me.
to say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels. the record shows, i took the blows and did it my way...
still one of the best things i keep with me everyday.
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March 28th, 2006
06:17 am
oh, anything you read in the journals i just posted, they are not meant to offend or alienate anyone. i am full of shit, just be aware (in case you werent already)
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06:13 am
ok heres something crazy and ridiculous. this is me doing school work. its bullshit, im aware. but some of it was fun (im ashamed)
ok and not gonna lie, this took me all night to do and i have one person to thank for getting me over my block. so here this is sir, a posting for you...
To the AUC journal godesses,
So I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about online dating lately. Sam, my roomate does it constantly. Its like gay men have this whole other way of meeting peopel that frankly, I don’t quite understand. As far as I’m concerned, online datng is really pretty dangerous. Think about it, you give this person you don’t know at all all of your personal information. How is that a good idea? And then, this is the best, you meet this person you don’t know in a personal way. Ok, maybe going to a movie or a restaurant is a public, neutral place but anyone can be awesome to get you back to their apartment so they can maul and kill you.
Ok, I’m being extreme, let’s not lie. Maybe it’s different for guys? I mean I guess, oh god this is going to sound really really anti-feminist, but maybe guys have abetter chance of protecting themseves? I haven’t a clue. Maybe guys are just not as wise and cautious as women? Maybe guys don’t see the threat as possible.
Ok so something I haven’t talked about yet is this guy I, oh god, i cant belive I’m admittig this, I met online. OK, but I DIDN’T really meet him online. I met him through a friend, so I kind of know hes legit, they’ve known eachother for a long time, and I trust this friend’s judgement. So anyway, we’ve been talking online a lot lately, and I have to be honest, he’s kind of amazing. So I’m scared that now my huge stance on online dating has been compromised.
But maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe this world of what I thought of as not only a mans thing, but a gay man’s thing has expanded. Maybe it does work for women, if your cautious and do it right? I dont know, Im skeptical. But maybe this guys will change my view.
To the AUC journal godesses,
Ok, here is a huge HUGE gender issue...you go to bar. you meet a guy. you like him. he buys you a drink (or doesn’t, thats negligeable). you exchange phone numbers. you are confident he will call. after 4 days he has not called. you DO have his number. so you ponder.
Am I right or am I right? PLEASE!! This is huge. You totally thought this guy would call and then it’s like he has dropped off the face of the earth. This has happened to everyone, including me. And lets face it, I have NO clue what to do. Part of me wants to call. Ok, a couple parts of my wants to call, but for different reasons. Part of me wants to call and say, “Hey, whats up, wanna get together?” Another part of me wants to call and say, “I have no interest in smeone who doesn’t call for a week and a half and I’m just calling you to tell you I am wonderful and you’re totally missing out!” Ok, lets be honest, that part never wins (and if it does, then you have more problems then a guy not calling you).
But the fact of the matter is that it SUCKS when someone doesn’t call and it sucks even more that as women, we are simply expected to sit and wait for the damn phone to ring. Guys get intimidated if a woman takes the initiative and two days later picks up the phone and dials the number that was so willingly given to her. Oh, and this is the best, when guys don’t call BECAUSE they are intimidated. Like they had enough guts to exchange numbers but then can’t muster up a little more to dial the damn number. Ok, I’m ranting. I’m intimidating, I know it. I’m loud and I’m big and that scares people everywhere I go. I love life and I embrace it with my all. Whatever, it’s just me, and since I was little my mother has told me, boys will grow into you (ignore the connotation, it wasn’t intended). Basically saying yeah, I’ll be miserable in highschool and maybe through some (most of ) college, because of relationships with boys I scare and will always ultimately end leave them running from me, but when I get older they’ll come around.
So in terms of gender...Why do girls more or less get the where they are going emotionally well before guys do and we have to sit around and wait for them to catch up. Unfair. but whatever, at least they are starting to get me...yay.
To the AUC journal godesses,
In so many ways cultures mn are seen as “weak” for crying not just in public, but in private as well. Different families teach different things to their sons but this idea of men crying being innapropriate is still very common. My father very rarely cries. Seriously, almost never, he’s just not like that. But my little brother (ok hes 18, but he’s still my baby brother) cries all the damn time. I mean this kid, for our entire lives has cried at just about everything. This isn’t the example in my house, but he has learned that it’s ok.
We didn’ really discuss the idea of women crying in class. In so many situations, is it acceptable for women to cry. Women are considered to be the weaker sex and are expected to be the ones unable to hold themselves together. OK, this is true and not true to what I know. NOONE is more put together than my mother. I mean the woman is as crazy as I am, but she is so grounded. But alos, she cries all the time, maybe thats where my brother learned it? I think I have a new found respect for my brother bc of having a good female role model.
All of this crying business makes me think of an episode of Sex and the City. Samantha, a publicist, wants to get this one job so badly. After several interviews she realizes that it has come down to her and a man. At her final interview the guy tells her she will not be getting the job. She freaks out on him and tells him she knows its because of his fear of her emotions. She tells him women simply dont get hired because men are terrified of them crying on the job. Men are just considered to be more stable, partially because they don’t deal with a menstrual cycle and all the joyous hormone craziness that goes on. Ofcoarse, being Samantha, it has nothing to dowith that and it’s because she slept with someone she would be working with, and the boss doesnt want the complications, but she’s so impressive that he changes his mind and hires her. Does this happen? Ok, its tv.
To the AUC journal godesses,
Ok so I’m reading this book now called Cunt. I apoligize for the severity of the title but now reading this book I have a whole new understanding of this word. Now we think of the word “cunt” and we see it as offensive. Many many years ago it was considered to be one of the most wonderful words to describe women. Not only that, it was the title of the most beautiful part of women, their vulva. This book explains the evolution of the word and moreso, the evolution of women throughout history. It’s quite wonderful. Ok, the first half is wonderful.
The second half really almost makes me angry. I would, on most days, consider myself a feminist. I’m beginning to think that my definition of the word is wrong. The author, Inga Muscio, goes into all of these almost ridiculous things we almost HAVE to do as women to gain respect. We have to be militant and rebellious, we have to stand up for ourselves against men. She never outright says it but she hates men. I mean this women doesn’t just prefer women (which, I have yet to figure out if she is a lesbian), but she outright hates men. She disagrees with everything they do, or say, and I hate it.
The first half of the book talks about wonderful things women can do together to celebrate their sex. The second half is going to all these great lengths to make sure the world knows we are superior. Honestly, I don’t think we’re superior. We are equal. Thats what women fight for, equality, not dominance. Listen, if I could have a probably would have burned my bra, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to curse a guy out everytime he looks me up and down. How is that showing women deserve equal rights?
So if I met this woman, or other women she talks about in the book, would I not be considered a feminist? That’s almost offensive. Who would they be to judge that in me? In the same way, I respect them as feminists, I just don’t agree with all of their views, and I really don’t agree with the lengths they go to to retaliate against men and society.
To the AUC journal godesses,
Ok, probably the next two journals I write will have to do with the video we saw. I made two HUGE notes during the video and I have to talk about them both seperatly.
So the first one is in regard to the toys. Nowadays it is so common for parents to supply their infants, toddlers, young kids, etc. with sexually neutral toys. Boys are given dolls, girls are given trucks. According to this video they all in the end gravitate to whats considered to be their gender specific toys. So girls to dolls, tea sets, and dressup clothes; and boys to trucks, action figures, and building blocks.
My brother and I are just over two years apart in age, I am less than 26 months older than he is. I don’t know how much of my younger childhood I remember without him. We constantly played with the same toys. Sometimeswe had our own versions of things (I had Barbie, and he has Ninja Turtle Action figures), but we constantly played togther. I played with the turtles, and sometimes he begrudgingly played with the barbies (ok, not so begrudgingly), we both played with legos, k-nex, building blocks. Let’s face it, I’m older and I always had (and still have frankly) a lot of pull wth him. So sometimes I got to even dress him up. We also played on our swingset together. We had swinging contests, running races, spinning contests in the kitchen, all sorts of things.
My parents never allowed us to play with guns, ever. The video mentions this and talks about how boys will make guns out of anything they find, bread, toaster strudel, anything. Now, we didn’t have toy guns and as far as I can remember, my brother never made a gun out of anything, it almost wasn’t in our vocabulary. But thats not to say we didn’t know how to fight. My brother and I use to beat the hell out of eachother, and our parents would just laugh at us being crazy. So that strikes me as odd now thinking about the fact we couldn’t play shoot eachother but we could for real kick eachothers asses? Food for thought...
To the AUC journal godesses,
Ok, so the part of the video that irrrrrrrrkkked me. As I have said in previous journals, I would consider myself to be a feminist. Over the last few years I have learned more and more about Gloria Steinem. I have always had so much respect and admiration for this woman and the picture she has now burned (pun sort of intended) in my brain of her is that of an agenda pushing, blind advocate for the supreme rise of women to power, not to equality.
The idea of female firefighters was brought up in the film. Now, growing up I had a neighbor who was a female firefighter. She was huge! I mean this woman was definatly stronger than my father, hell I’m pretty sure I can say with all honesty she was twice as strong as my father. I am sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt that she passed all of the tests she was made to take. And I would venture to say in some cases, she probably was superior than some of her male colleagues. Now a point that was made in this video is that women are becoming fire fighters without passing the tests they are required to, or by passing ones specially made for their sex. The woman in the video arguing the danger in this (I cannot remember her name) mentioned that these women rather than carrying occupants of burning buildings to safety are dragging them down stairs by their feet. Ok, I cant the point that getting out of the building is the most important thing but I agree, I do not want my head and body to be banging against possibly hundreds or thousands of steps on my way to safety. It’s ridiculous. At that point, why not throw me down the stairs, I risk just as much injury that way and anyone can push me down the stairs, physical test be damned!!
So Ms. Steinem then sort of tries to justify this practice by saying its actually safer to be dragged because it keeps us further away from the smoke. COME ON GLORIA!!!! Thats a really desperate attempt, don’t you think? And honestly, some of the respect I have always had for her is out the window. Thats stupid feminism. Or at least that my opinion.
To the AUC journal godesses,
Ok the age issue. Here’s a fun one. Anna Nicole Smith, this one is for you...
If a girl dates an older man shes a gold digger. She wants him solely for the money he must have and she isn’t at all interested in him as a human being, friend, companion, lover, etc. Why? Oh, wait, here comes a double standard...If a man dates a younger woman he is praised by men for being able to get a hot young thing. Women however, will see him as a dirty old man. What is all of this about?
Then theres the issue of women dating younger. Taye Diggs IS how Stella got her groove back, isn’t he? Its considered by almost everyone to be perfectly fine for women to date younger men (amen!). But really, why is this? Don’t women as a whole generally belive that they mature faster and therefore date older men so they can both be on the same emotional maturity level?
And both of these cases are everywhere! We see them in movies, we see them on the covers of magazines. We all know Katie Holmes who is something like a bakers dozen years younger than Tom Cruise is carryng their love child! And its huge! TomKat is everywhere these days, everywhere. Oddly, enough, when it comes to the Brangelina scandal noone seems to notice their over a decade age difference. Ok wait, now maybe my whole argument is shot. No, this really isnt an argument, I think love and attraction see no age limitations. But anyway, my point really is that society 9 times out of ten makes such a huge deal about age differences in couples.
I have this one friend who is notorious for dating men into their thirties (being a mere twenty years of age herself). She claims they are ahead of the guys our age. They are more mature and attentive to a girls needs. They are also more patient and understanding. Ok, so since her wonderful description I have been on a few dates with a few guys older than me. Generally ranging from 8-12 years my senior. I’ll admit, I did this mostly as an experiment. Now maybe my taste is just as bad in older men, but they didn’t seem at all like what my friend described. So I guess the age thing, at least thus far, doesn’t so much apply to me.
To the AUC journal godesses,
There are 8 men in my class. Seriously. Thats it. And there are i belive 22 women. Soforget the fact that i belive the majority of them are gay, so the idea of meeting a mate is out, but the men in my program simply get more parts than women. Some girls will never have a lead role, in four years at the school. However, there are guys who by the end of junior year will already have 3. Also, by the time the men graduate from my program they will have been in sometimes more than double the amount of shows women will have been in.
Does this meen by getting more experience they have a chance at a better education? Will they be more prepared after graduation because of all the experience they will ahve gotten in school? We pay the same tuition, so shouldn’t it be more equal? Or is it the girls who get a better education because they have more time to focus on developing and honing their craft as opposed to mainly focusing on prematurely throwing it on stage?
And speaking of tuition, why do more men have scholarships? Why are they sometimes more than double what women get? Are men more valuable than women? Are they more talented? Is musical theater, or acting in general considered to be more of a rare talent amongst members of the male gender?
I’m a junior, will I ever have these questions answered? Doubtful frankly, highly doubtful. And I’m sorry, I do feel kind of cheated out of all this. I have a substantial scholarship that I am proud of and thankful for. But the amount of my scholarship completely pales in comparison to 90% of the male scholarships. I just don’t get it.
To the AUC journal godesses,
So my cat drinks out of the toilet. I know its wierd for a cat to do that, it’s usually much more characteristic of dogs. But she does. Now I have had cats and dogs growing up and none of them have ever drank out of the toilet bowl. Then occured to me why.
I grew up in a hourse of three men and three women. My brothers and my father never, not once left the toilet seat up. EVER...seriously, its pretty remarkable I now realize. My roomate now, constantly leaves the toilet seat up. Also, it doesn’t matter how many times I kindly ask him to put it down and close the cover, scream at him, beg, cry, or just angrily slam it down myself, he just leaves it up!! Now I’m told its a guy thing. How can it be a guy thing? I grew up with guys and they didn’t do it.
So my proposal is this... It is not a guy thing, it is a taught behavior. Boys do not leave the seat up because its inherent. They leave the seat up because thats what their dear old dad did. So if a behavior is 100% not inherent, can it be changed?
I have recently set out on a mission to teach my roomate to put the seat down. After about a month of constant reminder he really did start to do it. I would walk in the bathrrom and there would the the top on the beautiful toilet lid staring up at me. I was thrilled. Then I stupidly gave him the benefit of the doubt and it stopped!! He reverted right back to his old habit. Can this really be changed? Is it maybe more inherent in some men because the men in their family have done it for generations? Is it like a giraffes neck or something? Maybe thats not a great analogy, because giraffe’s necks came out of survival of the fittest, and I would think that women like me must constantly be telling their roomates/ boyfriends/ husbands to put the damn seat down. Maybe this really is something that will never be explained. But mark my words, I’ll be damned if I can’t a) change at least my roomates ways and b)raise a son who knows to put the seat and cover down.
Oh and speaking of men and toilets, WHAT is with the aim thing??? Oh, I don’t even have the energy for that one...
To the AUC journal godesses,
Here’s something I’ve been thiking about lately, staright men’s opinion on homosexuality. Now, I’m from New York, and I have learned this means I have an altered sense of actual reality. People in this country are not the same as they are in New York. As far as I’m concerned, 99 percent of men are totally fine with homosexuality. This, I have learned, is not true. From what I have gathered, its about a fifty fifty thing.
Only about half of guys aren’t completely disgusted by male homosexuality. The half that is thinks its anything from just plain gross to a total abomination. Why is that? Are they threatened by it? Do some of them have a secret fear that they might be gay? Is it a jealousy thing about style (kidding.)? Or is it that they are jealous that these men understand who they are and what they want out of life. Is it that they want to feel that security?
Frankly, what makes this all more confusing to me is the fact that most men are totally fine with female homosexuality. I would venture to say 90 percent of men LOVE when women are gay. Please, guys love nothing more than to see two women make out at a party. Ok, maybe they like one thing more...the thought of those two women going home and being intimate. Whats with the incredible double standard? Why are men wrong but women are hot? Is it the dream of being with those two women that makes it ok for them? Do they belive that men are gay but women aren’t? Do they believe that women who are homosexuals really are just playing around with their sexuality? And if they will sleep wth women then maybe they will be more willing to sleep with men too?
To the AUC journal godesses,
Here’s a taboo subject...Porn and how it relates to gender. It is quite genrally accepted that men watch porn. I don’t know that I have ever known a man who hasn’t at one point or another taken part in the watching of a pornographis video, went online to see pictures, or read pornographic stories. Here is somehting else I know...women aren’t much different. ( I guess ofcoarse I am really speaking of my generation. )
Women use porn for different things. Women not only use it to find sexual arousal, but they also find great humor in it. The fact that women watch just as much porn ( and maybe more in some cases) is not as widely known, or maybe as accepted as men using it for their benefeit (whatever that might be).
Also, men seem to have a respect and sort of admiration for male pornstars more than they do female pornstars. These guys get to sleep with mulitple women in a day, maybe thats what they admire about them. But female pornstars they view very differently. They see her as a means to get off. They don’t view her as human or as deserving of respect because they assume because she does pornography, she is less of a human being.
This is not at all to say I admire these women, I don’t. Thats not something I aspire to do and not something I would like to see the people I love get into. That being said, some of these women are brilliant. They run their own companies, direct films, go on to have mainstream film careers. I just finished reading a book called How to Make Love Like a Pornstar: a Cautionary Tale by Jenna Jameson, who is quite possibly the most sucessful pornstar in history. She now is happily married and runs a huge corporation that produces films, runs a website, and promotes starlets into fullfledged stars in the industry. She’s a brilliant woman who has learned from her many life experiences. I respect her and admire her perseverance, resiliance and her intelligence.
if you have read all of this, i congratulate you (and wish you find something more entertaining to do in your other spare time). I also reccomend reading the book I mention in the final section, its really wonderful and will totally open your eyes to the world of porn. so i bid you all a goodnight.
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March 25th, 2006
03:37 am
i could say i regret, well, anything. but i guess i dont.
sometimes putting all your eggs in one basket sort of motivates you.
i.am.so.full.of.shit.
right now its 1036 on friday night and im alone in my apartment. kinda cold. kinda scared. not incredibly lonely, just wanting of protection. theres a difference i believe.
is it at all important to totally figure out exactly what (who) you want? doubtful. soft focus. andrew hates that.
whn it comes to a career path, to a job, whatever you want to call it, i have drive, motivation, understanding. why i can throw myself into shit. when it comes to other things (practically obsolete members of the opposite sex), im almost totally lost. but lead me as you will i suppose.
and oddly, im kind of ok with it. a rootless existence as far as my heart goes. without roots we avoid the inevitable uprooting that occurs emotionally when you are of a certain age. when its time theyll come.
or im just totally shooting my mouth off. but what are you gonna do...
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March 23rd, 2006
12:41 am
wasted. watched 40 yr old virgin. wasted. whatever guiness i love you.
boys. whatever.
i moooooooove on.
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March 18th, 2006
07:30 am
theres a jones in my bones...
and its not at all like i wanted it to be.
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March 16th, 2006
05:19 am
i have an on and off switch. and its drastic.
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imthediva's journal